I woke up in the middle of the night to the mewling sound of our new puppy, feeling exhausted, sick, and utterly overwhelmed by her need of me. I staggered out of bed and scooped her out of her crate while she yowled with sadness and loss then snuggled into my neck, seeking the comfort of my breath and heartbeat. In that moment I was struck by the beauty and simplicity of her sadness and wanting. Animals are so pure in their love and need, so HONEST in their discontents.
Because I have the flu and didn't know what to do when the puppy's crying extended beyond a trip outside to go potty and a snuggle, I took her into the bathtub with me, cradling her against my shoulder, where she nestled under my hair out of the water but comforted by the steamy warmth of it. We fell asleep that way, my one pound puppy and me. As I drifted off, I remembered doing the same thing when we brought our first adopted daughter home and she woke me in the middle of the night, inconsolable with loss, desperate for love, afraid to accept it, so hurt and lost. Her pain was beyond my ability to touch. And so we retreated to the womb like sound of running water and warmth and I held her against my chest while she hit me and bit me and fought with all her might until her sobs subsided and she drifted off in hiccuping remnants of sobs.
Children aren't like puppies. When they lose their families and come to new homes, they aren't easily consoled nor can they express with any degree of simplicity the pain that they feel. They pull with their wanting and push with their need. They often kick and scream against warm arms extended. They don't snuggle in. They don't wag their tails when they're happy and wail when they're sad. They learn to cope in ways that are difficult to deal with and hard to comprehend.
My husband and I have been struggling for 15 years to heal the hurts of our adopted children. At times I know that we unwittingly inflicted more pain on them because we were lost ourselves, unsure of how to help them, frustrated by their lashing out, hopeless in the face of the complexity of their anger, fear, and loss.
There are simple manuals about what to do when one brings a new puppy home. There's a simplicity to it, a routine that works. Even then it's HARD WORK. While there are general guidelines in working with foster, adopted and step-children, there simply isn't a hard and fast formula that works. It's a journey full of pain, stark moments of joy, and all too often unrequited love.
When I need gratitude and requited love, I look to the dogs happily wagging their welcome every time I come home. I don't look to my children. It's not their job to love me back or even express gratitude for the shelter and love we've provided. It's my job to love them. I have to remind myself of that frequently. When I need the satisfaction of knowing I've offered real comfort, I pick up a crying puppy, run my hands along the quivering sides of a frightened horse. I visit an animal shelter and offer precious moments of touch to simple creatures that are frightened and alone. Then I turn back to my children and I do my best to love them even when they don't appreciate it or love me back. If you know a parent that's taken on the challenge of fostering, adopting, or step parenting, please offer your support and appreciation; and if you're a parent that's struggling, remember to look outside of your children for love, appreciation, and support.
©Just Kate, 2009
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The give love just because they unabashedly feel it. So who is the "higher" race?
I believe everyone who has ever become a parent, be it biologically or any other means, deserves to be applauded.
Many times we forget how hard it is to step into a child's life, no matter how good or bad that life has been, it is the only life that they have known and someone is trying to change that. They see someone trying to replace another. They fight to hold onto what they know. It's their way of surviving. It is a shame that their instincts make them see "strings" and won't allow them to accept the love being offered for just what it is love nothing more and certainly nothing less.
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I'm not sure if you feel that way, but I was reminded of my own mother when I read this blog. I think I have a similar desire to nurture as my mom, but I don't think I'll be adopting any potential road-kill. Just thought I'd relate.
Take Care!!!
You said, "...no matter how good or bad that life has been, it is the only life that they have known and someone is trying to change that." And I say YES! We think we're "rescuing" a child but more often than not, children want the parents they have to love them and will offer their own love unconditionally. They don't want replacements even when they NEED them.
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Anonymous - I grew up taking care of my mother who suffered from a chronic, progressive disease of the central nervous system and it shaped me, I think, into a caregiver and a healer. But even before that I was a compassionate child with a love for living things.
That's entirely different from people who collect animals obsessively or compulsively rescue critters; that type of behavior is more often than not born from mental illness. In it's worst form it goes beyond a human/animal connection and can be seen in Munchausen by proxy syndrome where a parent creates or exaggerates illness in order to fulfill their need to rescue and be seen as a rescuer.
I want to make a clear distinction between nurturing behavior and mental illness.
Anyway, I think you hit on something key when you said that your mom nurtures when she is feeling low. I think it's very true that we are lifted up when we reach out to help another, when we feel empathy and compassion. I often counsel people who are depressed to REACH OUT, go work at a homeless shelter or with Habitat for Humanity or volunteer at a pet shelter. It's good for the soul.
When we show love and compassion without the expectation of reward or reciprocity, as must be done in the context of a healthy parent/child relationship, we are at our best as human beings, I think. :)
I don't know what state you're in, but my husband and I work closely with the Oregon Post Adoption Resource Center (ORPARC)when our children are in crises and their help has been invaluable. I highly recommend that adoptive parents find and use resources like ORPARC. Their web address is: http://www.orparc.org/
I wish you all the best in your journey! And THANK YOU for doing what you do. :)
You advise well when you say we need to look beyond our own children for gratitude and appreciation. I don't have adopted children but my daughter is at a rebellious stage where everything I say or do bugs her and she often tells me she hates me. I'm sure she will grow out of it but right now it stinks. I'm glad I happened upon your blog because you've reminded me that I need to step away from my daughter sometimes and be around people or pets that are easier and don't say they hate me. Then maybe I'll have more patience for her.
Carol
Thank you for visiting my blog and letting me know you were here. :0)
Quite insightful.
I think my need for reciprocal or requited love from my kids is probably my biggest stumbling block as a parent. I get so discouraged and frustrated sometimes. I'm thankful for the unconditional love and loyalty of creatures. I see God in them, evidence of his character and love, I guess. In many ways I wish I could be as good a person as my German Shepherd. ;)
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I remember you telling me about Todd Agnew when I told you that I used to lead worship in my bare feet and that I always hated standing center stage. I've never been a fan of performance worship, the two ideas (performance and worship) seem hugely at odds with one another.
I listened to my tape the other day, btw, and I still laugh out loud every time I hear it. :D It was hands down the best homemade gift I've ever received from a friend.
That is definetly you...because you are so transparent and authentic in your work. We all know, clearly, who JustKate is...and we love her.
You would have loved hearing Todd Agnew at the beginning of his concert tonight. He basically introduced himself by saying exactly what you said...that he didn't think it was God's idea for people to come to a concert and sing along to some "celebrity" singer. He said he's been a "worship" leader for many years, and still feels uncomfortable being center stage while people watch him.
Kate, you're letting your age show! It wasn't a tape...it was a CD! All Kate, all the time! I should have threw a "yo" in there! That would have been funny!
You're right, I would have loved hearing him.
And LOL at showing my age. Yep. I'm also rocking that dork thing I got going on. ;)
I so get what you are saying here, even though I am not a parent. Again from the perspective of a child, I always wanted and needed for the adults in my life to take the upper hand. Meaning when life was difficult for me, don't add to it. Console it and guide it in me.
I couldn't always provide what they needed. I was the kid. I was more lost and confused than they were, regardless of how difficult it was for them.
I remember one time talking to an Aunt of mine and we got kind of deep on our relationship. I told her that it always troubled me that we weren't closer. She asked what I meant by that. Well I explained, that while I may have been quiet and distant as a child it was because I did not know how to be close. I needed guidance in that area. She ended up being the type of relative that only contacted me during holidays or b-days. I told her I would have been receptive to more, but I was a kid, I didn't know how to initiate such contact.
I am not saying that as a child I knew what the heck I was thinking and/or feeling. I am just saying that it was what it was.
Does any of that make sense to you?
It makes sense, Drew. We operate on feelings when we're growing up because we don't have enough knowledge or experience to identify exactly what it is that we want or need. As we get older we can articulate our feelings so much better. We can look back and say AHA, THAT'S what was going on back then. :)
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